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What kind of crazy algorithm was used to make this thing?? Man... I mean, there are many good algorithms on the web, so was this one made in 30 seconds flat or something? That e-mail is totally incomprehensive. I don't like spam, but let's look at this from the spammer's perspective. What kind of an illiterate person would even consider replying to the above e-mail? Are people stupider than I think? If spammers want people to respond to spam, then the spam needs to make sense; good spam generators would be in order. An example of a good letter generator would be Scott Pakin's beauty, which was first introduced to us at HCW a few years ago. Here's an automatically generated complaint about Minna, to test whether she still reads my blog. :D Um yeah, please note that the following prose is only in jest. :)
I feel that it is my duty to subject Ms. Minna Van's protests to the rigorous scrutiny they warrant. There are a number of reasons Minna isn't telling us as to why she wants to erode constitutional principles that have shaped our society and remain at the core of our freedom and liberty. In this letter, I will expose those reasons one-by-one, on the principle that contrary to my personal preferences, I'm thinking about what's best for all of us. My conclusion is that what's best for all of us is for me to give the needy a helping hand, as opposed to an elbow in the face. Lest I seem like a hypocrite, I should tell you that if you read between the lines of her epigrams, you'll indubitably find that when she was first found trying to use psychological tools to trick us into doing whatever irritating ingrates require of us, I was scared. I was scared not only for my personal safety; I was scared for the people I love. And now that Minna is planning to do the entire country a grave disservice, I'm decidedly downright terrified. She likes to cite poll results that "prove" that she could do a gentler and fairer job of running the world than anyone else. Really? Have you ever been contacted by one of her pollsters? Chances are good that you never have been contacted and never will be. Otherwise, the polls would show that we should restore the world back to its original balance. (Goodness knows, our elected officials aren't going to.)Hehe. See, at least this one's understandable.
Some will say I exaggerate, but, actually, I'm being quite lenient. I didn't mention, for example, that absolutism doesn't work. So why does Minna cling to it? The complete answer to that question is a long, sad story. I've answered parts of that question in several of my previous letters, and I'll answer other parts in future ones. For now, I'll just say that Minna's memoranda are destructive. They're morally destructive, socially destructive -- even intellectually destructive. And, as if that weren't enough, as long as the beer keeps flowing and the paychecks keep coming, Minna's cohorts don't really care that a great many decent people are just as distressed as I am about her nostrums. There's nothing controversial about that view. It's a fact, pure and simple. It was a fact long before anyone realized that Minna's eccentricity is surpassed only by her vanity. And her vanity is surpassed only by her empty theorizing. (Remember her theory that she can absorb mana by devouring her nemeses' brains?)
Minna never stops boasting about her generous contributions to charitable causes. As far as I can tell, however, her claimed magnanimousness is entirely chimerical and, furthermore, Minna wants to infiltrate and then dominate and control the mass media. Who does she think she is? I mean, I once had a nightmare in which she was free to keep essential documents hidden from the public until they become politically moot. When I awoke, I realized that this nightmare was frighteningly close to reality. For instance, those of us who are still sane, those of us who still have a firm grip on reality, those of us who still think that Minna's smear tactics amount to what a proverbial metaphor in Sanskrit describes as trying to extinguish a fire by feeding it enough wood to glut its appetite, have an obligation to do more than just observe what Minna is doing from a safe distance. We have an obligation to discuss the relationship between three converging and ever-growing factions -- drugged-out brutes, slatternly sewer rats, and gormless knee-biters. We have an obligation to take steps against the whole stinking brotherhood of money-grubbing dorks. And we have an obligation to debate the efficacy of her mudslinging, insolent half-measures. Minna refers to a variety of things using the word "hematospectrophotometer". Translating this bit of jargon into English isn't easy. Basically, she's saying that she should create problems that our grandchildren will have to live with because "it's the right thing to do". At any rate, if her tirades get any more unbridled, I expect they'll grow legs and attack me in my sleep.
Her values represent a backward step of hundreds of years, a backward step into a chasm with no bottom save the endless darkness of death. If I am doomed to question my existence, then Minna will obviously equip hypersensitive vigilantes with flame throwers, hand grenades, and heat-seeking missiles when you least expect it. Worst of all, our children's children would never forgive us for letting her pilfer the national treasure. If she feels ridiculed by all the attention my letters are bringing her, then that's just too darn bad. Minna's arrogance has brought this upon herself. Minna finds reality too difficult to swallow. Or maybe it just gets lost between the sports and entertainment pages. In either case, Minna fervently believes that society is supposed to be lenient towards baleful hedonists (especially the irrational type). This shows that she is not merely mistaken about one little fact among millions of facts but that if you look soberly and carefully at the evidence all around you, you will unquestionably find that ancient Greek dramatists discerned a peculiar virtue in being tragic. Minna would do well to realize that they never discerned any virtue in being feral.
Minna frequently avers her support of democracy and her love of freedom. But one need only look at what Minna is doing -- as opposed to what she is saying -- to understand her true aims. We must let her know, in no uncertain terms, that it is incumbent upon all of us to confront her biases head-on. By "we", I mean all the hundreds of thousands who fundamentally long for the same thing, without, as individuals, finding the words to describe outwardly what they inwardly visualize.
She claims that granting her complete control over our lives is as important as breathing air. Predictably, she cites no hard data for that claim. This is because no such data exist. For all of the foregoing reasons, I can confidently claim that Minna and her apple-polishers are, by nature, rash big-labor bosses. Not only can that nature not be changed by window-dressing or persiflage, but Minna says that a totalitarian dictatorship is the best form of government we could possibly have. This is at best wrong. At worst, it is a lie. She presents one face to the public, a face that tells people what they want to hear. Then, in private, Minna devises new schemes to fragment the nation into politically disharmonious units.
I wouldn't even mention that the simple ability to hold her responsible for the hatred she so furtively expresses is a pons asinorum that Minna may never cross if it weren't indeed true. She likes thinking thoughts that aren't burdensome and that feel good. That's why I want to make some changes here. I want to do this not because I need to tack another line onto my résumé, but because Minna has been deluding people into believing that she has a "special" perspective on nepotism which carries with it a "special" right to undermine serious institutional and economic analyses and replace them with a diverting soap opera of neo-foul-mouthed, obstinate conspiracies. Don't let her delude you, too. The central paradox of Minna's "compromises", the twist that makes Minna's commentaries so irresistible to harebrained, condescending authoritarians, is that these people truly believe that all it takes to solve our social woes are shotgun marriages, heavy-handed divorce laws, and a return to some mythical 1950s Shangri-la.
It is immature and stupid of Minna to violate strongly held principles regarding deferral of current satisfaction for long-term gains. It would be mature and intelligent, however, to bring strength to our families, power to our nation, and health to our cities, and that's why I say that there is a format she should follow for her next literary endeavor. It involves a topic sentence and supporting facts. My argument is that she uses her influence to work hand-in-glove with jaded self-proclaimed arbiters of taste and standards. Ridiculous? Not so. It would be wrong to imply that Minna is involved in some kind of conspiracy to pour a few drops of wormwood into our general enthusiasm. It would be wrong because her demands are far beyond the conspiracy stage. Not only that, but the point at which you discover that her crusades are unhealthy and lacking in purpose is not only a moment of disenchantment. It is a moment of resolve, a determination that her wretched scare tactics can be quite educational. By studying them, students can observe firsthand the consequences of having a mind consumed with paranoia, fear, hatred, and ignorance.
A study of disgraceful moochers indicates broad political and ideological agreement on the use of force combined with a set of simple tactics to achieve their immediate goal: to remove society's moral barriers and allow perversion to prosper. Please remember that if Minna truly believes that she knows 100% of everything 100% of the time, then maybe she should enroll in Introduction to Reality 101. If nothing else, her claims are based on a technique I'm sure you've heard of. It's called "lying". I find that I am embarrassed. Embarrassed that some people just don't realize that even Minna's fans are afraid that Minna will promote the sort of behavior that would have made the folks in Sodom and Gomorrah blush sooner or later. I, not being one of the many abusive, dictatorial brigands of this world, have seen their fear manifested over and over again, and it is further evidence that not only does Minna use terms of opprobrium such as "semi-intelligible bohemians" and "acrimonious, xenophobic charlatans" to castigate whomever she opposes, but she then commands her assistants, "Go, and do thou likewise." One argument Minna makes is that communism is a noble goal. That's just sheer arrant nonsense. The truth is that the costs of her hijinks outweigh their benefits. Of that I am certain, because you should not ask, "What provoked her to slow scientific progress?", but rather, "Why aren't our children being warned about her in school?". The latter question is the better one to ask, because it has been said that her emotionally biased and expletive-filled ebullitions push home the point that Minna's recent attempt to depressurize the frail vessel of human hopes may prove to be a watershed event for those of us who want to give you some background information about her. I believe that to be true. I also believe that I shall not argue that Minna's newsgroup postings are an authentic map of her plan to respond to this letter with hyperbolic and uncorroborated accusations and assaults on free speech. Read them and see for yourself.
Incidentally, Minna has never satisfactorily proved her assertion that her politics are Right with a capital R. She has merely justified that assertion with the phrase, "Because I said so." By now, the reader has discerned that her helots argue, against a steady accretion of facts of already mountainous proportions, that we'd all be better off if they'd just scar little children's self-image. So let me just add that she is firmly convinced that racism is the key to world peace. Her belief is controverted, however, by the weight of the evidence indicating that Minna's attempts to spread hatred, animosity, and divisiveness are much worse than mere expansionism. They are hurtful, malicious, criminal behavior and deserve nothing less than our collective condemnation. I almost forgot: I can't possibly believe Minna's claim that profits come before people. If someone can convince me otherwise, I'll eat my hat. Heck, I'll eat a whole closetful of hats. That's a pretty safe bet, because as that last sentence suggests, no matter how bad you think Minna's belief systems are, I assure you that they are far, far worse than you think. This is far from all I have to say on the topic, but it's certainly enough for now. Just remember one thing: There are no easy solutions for dealing with the most mad backstabbers you'll ever see ('easy" being defined as a solution that will not create anomie).